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March Mania

Bender: My annual State of Denial address

Tony Bender

OK folks, it's time for my annual State of Denial address. Here's where I convince you that everything isn't going to hell in a handbasket already overcrowded with deplorables. First, I'll ask you to recall that parade riot scene in "Animal House" where a uniformed Kevin Bacon shouts, “All is well! All is well!” That's me.

Let's start with the impeachment defense which began with “Forgive me Father, for Trump has sinned...” Then in a stunning development, Alan Dershowitz moved ahead of Rudy Giuliani in the Bat Guano Crazy Lawyer Sweepstakes by declaring that it's legal for a president to break laws if he believes it's in the public's (and his own) interest. Even more impressive was that in the process of overhauling centuries of jurisprudence, Dershowitz managed to keep his underwear on.

There's more good news. John Hoeven's alive! He even submitted a question of his own free will during the impeachment that went something like this: “Isn't it true that the president is the most innocent man ever and that conspiring with other countries to cheat at elections is our constitutional right as Republicans?” I hate to criticize, but Hoeven wouldn't stand up for democracy if we renamed it Becky and put it in a Kenny Rogers song.

As I said, though, all is well, because next January Bernie Sanders will use these newly expanded executive powers to cap income at $100,000, force free healthcare and college on unwitting Americans, and pop a cap into Elizabeth Warren's assets with a registered Glock on Fifth Avenue.

It could be President Bernie. Or Buttigieg. Maybe Biden. Possibly even Warren if she's not lying in state in Oklahoma, home of the World Champion Kansas City Chiefs. It might be Bloomberg or any billionaire able to negotiate a podium and a peach crate from the DNC in a quid pro quo for future anti-Trump advertising. Accusations that Democrats want to take your guns are starting to ring true. We need them to shoot ourselves and Elizabeth Warren in the foot.

The good news is the DNC chicanery was a welcome distraction to a Federal Elections Commission report revealed by my colleague and noted Heidi Heitkamp stalker Rob Port in an abrupt swing back to the right after several weeks of well-reasoned columns possibly ghost-written by me. It seems Heidi dropped $6,700 in leftover campaign cash at a Washington, D.C., liquor store. Legal and impressive to be sure, but bad optics. In her defense, she Ubered home.

In other positive news, Trump surrogate Gov. Doug “Forever in Blue Jeans” Burgum led the president to victory in Iowa, and the tech-wizard has been cleared of hacking the Democratic caucus. After futile attempts to navigate North Dakota government websites, investigators concluded that he's not up to it. In fairness, the websites will soon be Netscape compatible.

As a final note of inspiration to my fellow masochists, let me remind you that it's always darkest before you die. Kidding! Relax, John Kerry is waiting in the wings. No really, the good news is geography is now flexible. North Dakota could become South Manitoba with the stroke of a Sharpie.

There's always hope.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.